5.31.2011

Heavy.

I feel I’ve been in a bit of blog slump this last year. I want to sit down and write, to be clever, to connect with my readers, to share parts of my life, and to document these times for myself and my family. And yet, more often than not, I struggle with the blank screen in front of me.

I don’t want my blog to be a negative place anymore than I want my life to be a negative place. The problem, however, is that I AM in a bit of a negative season right now. Short of all out faking it, I can’t bring myself to write a happy, cheerful post every day. And, as much as I don’t want to be negative, I don’t want to be fake either.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my life. I adore my husband. Most (haha) of my family is amazing. I’m blessed with FAR more than I deserve. I certainly don’t mope around all day, everyday. I am a fully (well, almost fully) functioning person.

There’s just this one thing.

One very big thing.

Me.

If you’ve read my blog at all in the past, you have no doubt read of my weight loss struggles. I’ve joined this program, or re-joined that one (more than once). I’ve gone to the gym, done certain training programs, walked many miles in the neighborhoods behind our apartment. All with little to no success. And yet, I keep starting over. Keep on blogging, pretending I haven’t failed over and over and over again.

I’ve struggled with how much of this to share. There is definitely a safety net of being on the internet…nobody can see the real you. In fact, to some extent…you can be whoever you want to be online. I’ve never intended to be anyone other than myself. But, let’s be honest….It’s much, much easier to just share the pretty.

And that is why I am writing these words today. I’m finding it harder and harder to share the pretty, cause I’m finding it more and more difficult to recognize it.

Like I mentioned before, I’ve not shied away from sharing or hinting at my weight struggles. But, I haven’t been fully honest about them either.

I don’t have a little weight to lose. I have a lot to lose. A lot.

The shame of this has all but paralyzed me.

I’ve always been a little chubby. After high school, I lost about 50 lbs and gained about 100 lbs of confidence. I was still a tiny bit overweight, but was the thinnest I’d ever been. I was never really lacking confidence before this, but I was busting at the seams with it after the weight loss.

It’s sometimes hard for me to imagine that girl. She seems like a totally different person. And, I guess, she is. The girl I am now is nothing like her. Or maybe, I’m everything like her…but trapped by all this weight.

Trapped.

That just about defines who I am right now. I feel like I’m stuck in a bad dream. A Ground Hog Day (remember that movie?) type dream. I can not think of one area of my life that my weight hasn’t affected. I want nothing more than to wake up with a new day ahead of me, and still, I feel stuck in this same nightmare.

Having children right now is out of the question. While I’ve not been medically advised not to, I’m 100% convinced it wouldn’t be a good decision…if, of course, I could even get pregnant. Those of you that struggle with weight and infertility can surely understand. Except for those few years of an exceptionally confident, slimmer Tricia, I’ve been overweight my whole life. I’ve been a fat kid, a fat teenager, the fat girl in the classroom, the fattest sibling, the fat bride and the fat adult. I REFUSE to be the fat mother. I’m 32, and the fact that I don’t have as many healthy child bearing years ahead of me as I do behind me scares me more than anything. I can’t imagine not being a mother.

Beyond the medical and obviously physical effects (the aches and pains, being uncomfortable, etc) brought on by being overweight, the insecurity I have felt is overwhelming.

I can’t help but think back on my twenties with such a sense of regret. I’ve missed out on SO much because of my insecurity. I didn’t apply myself in school, I didn’t reach out to new people in college. I didn’t seek the jobs I wanted. I didn’t stay in touch with people from school and work.

I swore that my thirties would bring about a change. And yet, a few weeks post 32nd birthday, I see that nothing, NOTHING has changed.

I shy away from family events. I all out refuse any event that involves a room full of strangers. I sabotage jobs and other great opportunities. I put off meeting up with great blog friends. I’ve even missed out on meeting up with really, really good friends who live out of town. All because of the shame of who I am. And the fear that others will think about me the way I do.

And that bothers me. It bothers me when other women have no confidence. I’ve always wanted to build others up. I can’t believe I have let myself get so knocked down. It makes me sad. And angry. Really, really, REALLY angry.

I don’t want this weight to define me anymore. I don’t want it to confine me. I don’t want it to rob me of another day of my life.

I know that half of the battle is physical. I’ve obviously got to lose the weight. I know if I was reading these words from someone else, I would think “well than, just lose the weight”. I so wish it was that easy. I suppose it would be if it weren’t for the second half of the battle.

The other half of the fight is mental. I’ve got to find me again. I’ve got to quit quitting when things get difficult or uncomfortable. I’ve got to stop running away from life (and start running …RUNNING…towards it). I’ve got to quit denying the facts, and I’ve got to quit lying to myself that I’ll start tomorrow. Or next week, or that the number on the scale doesn’t matter. It does. Maybe it isn’t everything. But, it matters. And it’s got to change.

NOW.

5.26.2011

Me. Me. Me.

I'm in a bit of a blog rut these days. So, when I saw this on Lindsay's blog...I thought it would be interesting to do!

I am...Tricia, a Texas girl married to her best friend.

I want...to be a mommy....so bad!!

I have...an amazing husband and a super cute cat!

I wish...all my wishes came true!

I hate...Texas summers...and dieting.

I fear...never having children. Also, that there wont be football this fall.

I hear...the ceiling fan in the office. Other than that..it's pretty quiet here.

I search...for homes on the internet all the time. Can't wait to have one of our own...soon!

I wonder...why things don't always work out as planned.

I regret...too much. Taking a break from school, letting friendships grow apart, not sticking to my diet.

I love...my Jesus, my husband, my family & friends, cherry coke, magazines, rainy days and DALLAS COWBOYS football!

I ache...more than I would if I lost weight...or was 10 years younger. ha.

I always...have a bag of Sonic ice in the freezer. Having a cup of it right now!

I usually...go to bed way too late. Like 2 or 3 am...sometimes later.

I am not...looking forward to the hotter weather. I always stress about it....it's HOT in Texas in the summer.

I dance...not as much as I would like. C and I used to go dancing ALL them time when we first started dating.

I sing...really great....in my car...alone. Ha.

I never...eat breakfast. I'm not usually up in the "breakfast hours", and I just don't like breakfast foods.

I sometimes...think about moving way out to the country.

I cry...when I'm angry. Which I hate.

I am not always...confident. I hate that I have so many insecurities that I struggle with.

I lose...weight VERY slowly. So frustrating.

I am confused...about the future. What I'll be doing, where we will live, when we will start our family.

I need...to start working out more diligently. C and I have been going for 1mile walks several nights a week, but I need more cardio!!

I should...get back to work. So easily distracted!!!

5.20.2011

Pinterest: A Little Tutorial...Part 2

So yesterday, I introduced y'all to the wonderful world of pinning.

Now that I know you are all hooked (cause you are, right?!)...I will show y'all how to do it and some other information for happy pinning.

Okay...first...obviously you need to be a member.

If you aren't a member already, you will need an invite. So get one of your buddies to send you one...or...you can befriend me (yay!) and I will get one to you. Just email me (tricianae at gmail dot com). I'm not sure if there is a limit to the number of invites you can send...but I will send as many as I can!

Anyway...once you are all signed up...it's time to get inspired!

There are two ways to play: Pinning and Re-pinning.

First: Pinning
To do this...you will need to install the pin-it button to your toolbar. This is what it looks like on mine.

For instructions on how to do this for your browser, click here. (I use Chrome).

Once you have your button installed, you are good to go on your pinning adventures.

So say you are reading a blog or pursuing your favorite website and something strikes your fancy. Maybe it's a recipe or a beautifully decorated bedroom, or the most perfect outfit. Just click on your pin-it button.

This little screen will pop up showing all the images that coordinate to that specific url. Somtimes it's just one, sometime's it's a bunch.
Find the one you love and click it!

Next, this little screen will pop up with a list of all your boards you created. Just scroll through the list to find the board you want to pin this image to. Or, you can create a new board at this point if you need to. (you will also have to add a description to your pin...I usually just use the word love. ha.).

Click "pin-it" and voila....image pinned to your specified board.

Once you do this...your pins are showcased on your profile and boards. This is great...because they are shared with all your followers...which is equally great...because all their pins are shared with you!!

Re-pinning.
Once you have several people you are following (you can search for them, invite friends of your own, follow people you discover through pinning and/or the site offers suggestions often of people you may know).

Anyway...re-pinning is probably the way I get most of my pins!. It's pretty easy.

When you sign in to the site, the home screen features the pins of all the people you follow. Just scroll through there and if anything catches your eye (which I'm sure it will...sometimes the whole page catches my eye!), scroll over the specific image and a little menu will pop-up hovering over the image.

You can re-pin, click, or like.

To re-pin, just click that little button. Then this little screen will pop up.
Just click the right board, (or create a new one), and pin.

You can also search the Pinterest site if you are looking for something specific. This will search through all the images that have been pinned or re-pinned by others. This is another way to find people to follow...if you see someone who shares similar interests (i.e. you love everything on their boards).

So that's it. The basics for pinning and re-pinning. Repeat as necessary.

I'll be back tomorrow to share some other information, as well as some things to consider while pinning!

5.19.2011

Pinterest: A Little Tutorial...Part 1

A couple of months ago, I kept seeing tweets and facebook updates about "pinning" and "pinterest". I had NO clue what people were talking about...and I hate to be out of the loop!! After doing a little research, I found the site...and a sweet friend sent me an invite.

And still....I could not figure out what all the talk was about!! But...people kept raving about the site, so I knew there must be something to it (I'm impressionable like that). Sure enough...after a few minutes (or maybe hours?) browsing the site....I "got" it. Totally hooked!! I shall never waste time without the site again!!

I know several of you have asked me about it, or declared your confusion to the hype...and I feel ya. BUT....I can not..in good conscience...let y'all continue on without the beauty that is Pinterest!!

So...what is it?

To answer, let me show you what it looks like once I sign in:

It's basically a series of digital inspiration boards. And, instead of tacking something up to a "for real" board in your home...you "pin" it to your specified board online. If you are anything like me...this is complete brilliance. One of those "why didn't I think of that"' type inventions. I am forever saving links to blogs or sites that spark an interest, and I love to tear out pages from magazines and catalogs...so this is perfect for me to organize all the chaos and clutter into one, oh so fun place.

So, once you sign up, you are given a standard list of boards. You can keep these as is, or you can edit the names, how many boards, etc.

I have a board for hair I want....

I have a board for style inspiration....

Another board for homes that make me want to redecorate...

One for nurseries and little kid spaces...

Which is fun, because I also have a board that speaks strictly to my intense baby fever...

Another full of fun, witty words....

That often features words that stop me in my tracks...

There is inspiration for food ideas...

DIY inspirations...

And party ideas...

Even tattoos...

I also have a board for holiday inspirations, craft rooms, scrapbook projects, quilts I love, all Marilyn Monroe and of course.... A board full of miscellaneous things I love...

Are you in love yet?!!

Now that you know what it is, come back tomorrow to find out how to use it!

If you have any questions...feel free to leave a comment or email me!!

5.12.2011

Ranger Game

I started my birthday list about a month before my actual birthday...knowing I may need the extra month to either come up with more items or get a head start.

One of the first things I wrote down was to go to a Texas Rangers game and a Cowboys game. I've been to games before but I hadn't been to a Rangers game in a few years and I've yet to go to a Cowboys game in the new stadium.

I kid you not, about a day after I wrote that goal down...my mom's neighbor offered us some free tickets to a Rangers game! Umm...yes please!! Her company has season tickets and she just happened to get the tickets on a night she couldn't go. We were so grateful she thought of us!! Especially when we saw how great the seats were AND the free parking pass didn't hurt anything!!

We were a little worried because it was the week that the storms were so bad here. It was raining everywhere in the metroplex...just not at the stadium. The sky was amazing and it cooled things off. Given my love of clouds + my lack of love for heat....I was a happy girl!!

I used to go to baseball games ALL the time growing up. It's nice when the stadium is in your hometown. In fact, my stepdad actually did some work on the ballpark when it was being built...and we got to visit the construction site several times. They have a plaque with the names of all the guys that worked on the stadium...and his name is on there!! That's always fun to go check out.

Bummed that the game wasn't as nice as the seats and weather. You win some, you lose some...

We still managed to have a pretty good time though. Definitely makes me want to go back to more games...if only I didn't have an aversion to outdoor events in 100 degree weather!!

Funny story... we decided we wanted to split a pretzel. So, we went to the little concession stand near our seats and stood in line forever. We ordered a pretzel, and she hands us one without salt. We ask if she can put some salt on it (because who eats pretzels dry?) and she got the biggest attitude. A second or two later, she hands us the pretzel that looks like it has been covered in icing!! There was seriously SO much salt on it. A good 1/3 cup...no joke! I spent like 20 minutes scrubbing most of the salt off when we got back to our seats. I'm still finding salt in my purse!

A view from our parking lot: #18 and the next half of #7 awaits.

5.11.2011

Another Year...

I turned 29 + 3 yesterday. Had a great dinner with the hubs at Hoffbrau and then some delicious homemade chocolate cake at my parents house afterwards. And, the celebrations continue this weekend with a little birthday party. Despite starting to hate this whole aging thing...I don't think I will ever tire of the celebratory side of birthdays!

I think my main issue with birthdays (cause it sure isn't the presents & cake) is that I have a sense of regret, disappointment and guilt that things aren't turning out the way I had envisioned. I realize I can't realistically map out my entire life...but I've always sort of thought that by this age...I would have my own home and a couple of kids, a career and would have gotten over all the insecurities and other issues that seem to weigh me down (literally and figuratively, of course). Turns out...not so much.

I saw this on Pinterest the other day and LOVED it. How cute is that? And...can I get an amen?

I feel like the last year (and especially the last 4 months) have been an uphill battle emotionally....but I feel like I've finally got my footing and feel a bit more confident in the climb.

So anyway...in honor of my birthday, and making changes...I decided to once again try something I've seen on several blogs. (here, and here...for example).

I present to you:












1. Pay off all debt (except student loans).
2. Finish my master's degree.
3. Buy a house.
4. Meet 5 blog friends in real life.
5. Run a 5k, 10k and half.
6. Go to 5 concerts.
7. Go to Texas Rangers Game and Dallas Cowboys Game.
8. Get published...in any format.
9. Get pregnant.
10. Reach healthy weight.
11. Get wedding pictures printed.
12. Get family portraits done (me + c)
13. Go to charity event.
14. Find new church home and get involved, or reconnect at FBC-M.
15. Read the Bible.
16. Go on vacation with C.
17. Start scrapbooking ... again.
18. Tour Cowboys Stadium and make album with old Texas Stadium pics.
19. Read 5 classic novels.
20. Cook 12 new recipes.
21. Go dancing once a month.
22. Host a party or get together.
23. Spa/girls day with just Mom & me.
24. Volunteer more.
25. Get braces.
26. Teach a class.
27. Write a book.
28. Reconnect with 3 old friends.
29. Visit a new state.
30. Send Christmas cards this year!!
31. Make a quilt.
32. Get a pedicure at least once a month.
33. Take more pictures, learn more about photography.

Not sure how realistic it is to finish all of those. And never have I been more aware of how much "33" is until I tried to come up with 33 things. But, there you have it. I think it will be fun to have actual goals and see how I do over the next year.

I actually started the list a few weeks ago and have already had the opportunity to cross half of a line off. I'll be blogging about that soon...

It is an overcast and rainy day here...but those are my favorites. I'm off to enjoy it!

5.09.2011

Remember Me?

I'm back! Hopefully, anyway.

I've got lots and lots to share..but there will be plenty of time for that.

I kept Dalton on Saturday and we had a fun filled day of movies, crafts, games, mickey d's and frozen yogurt. I love him so much and enjoyed every second I spent with him ...but I'm not going to lie.... I was completely exhausted when his mommy got him at the end of the day.

And, here's little miss...a few weeks ago. We've been bonding a lot. But...I'm afraid she still thinks I'm crazy.

My design site is slowly coming along. I know several people have emailed me about starting a new project...and if I haven't already...I'll be getting back to you soon.

In other news...my birthday is TOMORROW!! Ack. I used to LOVE my birthdays...I mean...I've even been known to celebrate my half-birthday. This year... not so much. I know getting a year older beats the alternative...and I'm certainly grateful for another year. I just have a lot of heartache about all those plans and dreams that didn't come to fruition in the last year. I feel like instead of moving forward, I'm just sort of spinning in circles. Talk about frustrating.

At least there will be cake.