However, every once in a while, my 'less chill' persona comes out.
In full force.
C says I'm a very passionate person. If I'm happy about something...I'm really happy. If I'm sad or stressed or anxious, I'm the extreme of those.
And, if I'm angry.
Well, bless who ever caused it, or is in the line of fire, or is foolish enough to tell me to "calm down".
Anyway...I've been COMPLETELY stressed out about my weight loss. After weeks of maintaining, I finally had a nearly 4lb loss about a month ago. Happy dance! The next week I behaved as though I had never heard of weight watchers or healthy eating or moderation. It was insane. And, I gained. THREE pounds in a week!
So the next week, I got back on track. AND I GAINED AGAIN. I was so upset last week I couldn't even talk about it. I usually call my grandparents after my weigh in each week (they are my biggest cheerleaders). And, I didn't call them two weeks in a row. They called me to make sure that I didn't give up and to try and keep me motivated. They have been worried about my weight (in a loving way) and just don't want me to waste all this progress. While I appreciated their calls...and I really have no intention of quitting, I couldn't help but feel like a failure.
I don't know what my deal is lately, but I just can't seem to get my head fully in the game. It's driving me crazy. I keep justifying my actions by saying "I had a craving for this" or "I earned this". Nonsense!!
I went out to eat one day last week and got one of the things I used to order pre-ww. I hadn't had one all year and I just thought if I had it, I might quit thinking about it. It wasn't even that good. I mean...it tasted exactly like it did before...but it just wasn't that good. It wasn't worth it. It's food like that that is the reason I'm overweight. And, I finally see that it's stupid. If someone came to me and said "you can eat all the blank, blank and blank that your want, and drink this, that and this, but you will be obese the rest of your life" I would think they were absolutely crazy! There is no way I would take that deal.
Except I am. Everyday. I think food should be enjoyable, yes...but there is a thin line between enjoyable and gluttony. And I apparently cross it more often than I should.
So, mid meltdown (over my weight loss and recent struggles...and the long, long road I still have ahead of me) today (which incidentally was set off by something completely unrelated), I realized that I am making this WAY more complicated than it needs to be.
I've known all along that there is an emotional tie to food for me, but I have found that here lately...the only emotion I ever feel when food is involved is anger and sadness. That's no way to live. I believe it's because I've been "treating" myself with what is basically poison.
I wish this revelation was all it took to change. It's not. But, I do think it's the beginning.
For me, this journey is something like 80% what I put in my body and 20% how I exercise. Unfortunately, that 80% is the hardest part for me. So, even though I've been on this journey for 6 months, in many ways, I feel like I'm starting over. And, I'm okay with that.
The good news? I lost 1.4 this past week. I'm at 34.2 pounds lost...so I am glad to be going back in the right direction. Maybe I'll catch up with my self next week. I can't wait to hit that 40lb mark!!