I have wrestled with posting this for a while. And after last night's horrible weigh in (but really inspiring meeting), I've decided I just need to come clean.

Y'all, I am struggling SO much with my weight loss journey. This really isn't anything new. I've struggled with my weight my entire life. But, I have recently had success with sticking to a healthy eating/exercise plan, so it's hard to accept that I have fallen so far off track.

A little backstory, if you are new. Like I said, I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I've lost weight several times, but have always gained it (and more) back. About four years ago, I decided I had finally had enough. I took myself back to Weight Watchers and gave it my all. And surprise! It worked. I lost about FORTY pounds and was feeling amazing. I still had quite a bit to lose, but I felt like, for the first time in my life, THIS was going to be the time. I had pretty much cut sugar out of my diet. I walked almost daily. And, I wrote down everything I ate. 

And then, my dad got sick. I stopped losing.
And then, he got worse. I started gaining.
And then, he lost his battle with cancer. 

I gained all of it back. Plus 25 pounds. Not good. 

I finally rejoined WW after some time off. And... I managed to get about 38 pounds off by this spring. It was a slow process. And I wasn't nearly as dedicated as I was in the past. But I was plugging along. 

Nothing major happened this time around, but I just lost focus over the summer. I quit tracking. We started eating out more than normal and I started ordering less salads and more meals with french fries. And, the weight loss turned into small gains. And then bigger ones. 

One thing I have learned over the years is that I am CLEARLY an emotional eater. If I am happy, or sad, or stressed, or angry, or lonely, I am drawn to food. Sometimes it's healthy (yogurt, an apple and peanut butter) but mostly it's not. The problem is...it's never based out of hunger. I wish I knew why I was like this. And how to quickly fix the issue. But I am finally able to admit that it is a problem. 

Especially now. I gained SIX pounds over the course of two weeks. I don't even know how I did that. Well, I mean, I do know how I did it. I'm just so frustrated that it happened. Fortunately, the meeting after my weigh in was JUST what I needed. Several people joined and ALL of them were returning to Weight Watchers after having had major success in the past. It showed me a lot of things. The program works. Three of the new girls had lost over a hundred pounds each!!! That is amazing. Everyone stumbles. Life gets hard and messy and this gets pushed to the bottom of the list. It's not that I want that to happen, but it's helpful to know that I am not the only one who struggles. Because, let me just say that when you are in the middle of the mess...it feels very lonely! 

I woke up yesterday with a renewed since of motivation. My main goal this week is to track what I eat. I can't really see where I'm going wrong (I mean other than the obvious french fry indulgence) if I can't see what exactly I am eating throughout the week. I have selective memory when it comes to food. I remember the salads and chicken. Somehow the other stuff slips in the dark places (near my hips, undoubtedly). 

I know that there are people out there who make up their mind to get healthy, make the changes, and find success immediately. I am not one of those people. And, that's okay. This may take me the rest of my life (but God, please don't do that to me). I won't quit though. I want to be healthy. And confident in myself. And neither of those things are determined just by the number on the scale. They are developed over time... with each small change. Each new day.

I'll be perfectly honest and say that struggling with my weight for all these years is not a journey I would have picked for myself. But, I know there is SO much good that can come from the process. And that is part of the reason I have decided to be a bit more open about the journey (including the bad). It's a little scary to put myself out there. I'm normally hiding behind the shame of the struggle. But I don't want to hide anymore. I hope that anyone who is struggling can find inspiration here. You aren't alone. Let's do this together!!!

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